User blog:Lee Dixon/Lee Dixon Reviews!: Transformers (2007)
Before Michael Bay creating Explosion Porn began. There was a Cartoon Series that was awesome. Called "Transformers" Some wanted this license for good. Others for Evil. Sadly this license was lost in the Evil Region and now I have to review the results...Yep. Lee Dixon here having to review a trilogy of films..That aren't horror. But Age of Extinction is coming out tomorrow in the uk/Out depending on when you're reading this So i thought I'd review this trilogy. Starting with Transformers (2007). Let's start now. The Review We start with a narration by Peter Cullen (THANK FUCK THEY AT LEAST GOT HIM!) and then go to a bunch of soldiers in a plane thing That I have no idea what the name of is (What do you take me for? Some kind of know everything about vehicles) I have no idea what they're chatting about..In any form. So anyway there's a helicopter that's flying towards them (They haven't identified it and are threatening to use Deadly Force). The Main Soldier guy uses a web cam to talk to his wife and newly born child. It's awkward and it's attempts at humor are shite. Suddenly things get staticy and fail. THe Helicopter lands. and the guy flying it..Glitches out? and then the Helicopter transforms into a giant robot? Oh yeah. i forgot this was a Transformers movie for a few minutes say after Optimus Prime's narration. It blows shit up. shoots things. Someone hits a computer with an axe several times for a reason I missed. Okay. I get it. Your PC sucks. No reason to destroy it with an axe..Unless it was a mac then go ahead. The Decepticon deploys a Scorpion thing into the sand amd shit gets blown up. Take a drink every time a explosion happens. You'll be dead before the film beings. CONGRATULATIONS if you did. You won't have to sit through the rest. Cut to BagMan that isn't Famous anymore called Sam Witwicky at a show and tell for his class. Turns out it's a show and sell.I'm not going to explain this. He tries to sell his grandfather's shit. And he persuades the teacher to give him an A- (so he gets a car). They drive up to a Porsche Vehicle Shop. But the Dad's kidding! He's not going to buy him a Porsche (I really wish he did..We wouldn't have a movie) They then go to this shit place. Where he ends up getting a Yellow Car. That's Bumblebee. (He doesn't know this yet) Some crazy shit happens including car windows exploding when he's there though. We cut to washington dc and more helicopters! At this point I may aswell skip to the 1 HOUR AND A HALF mark. So I don't have to sit through the rest. But I'm not going to. Just remember I'm suffering because of you guys. Talking Talking, Set up Set up. Cut to back at Sam's house he's selling the items on EBAY. We get introduced to Mojo his dog. (Probably the best non Transformer character in this movie cause it desn't speak) He goes outside and steps on his parents grass! And the Dad don't like that shit. Sam drives off and we cut to the Soldiers in the Desert.. Then back to Sam driving with some bastard named Miles. He kinda reminds me of the kid's friend in Dark Skies. And Miles starts climbing a Tree. Mikaela (Fegan Mox) and her Boyfriend is there. Chats to Sam for half a second. So Megan Fox/Mikaela interrupts when they're about to begin a argument. Drama between Mikaela and her boyfriend happen!. She then walks off. Then the Radio turns on while Sam is looking at her. He forces Mikaela out of his fucking car. and then picks up Mikaela and they drive for what seems like 3 seconds. The Car Randomly Stops then music turns on. Eventually it works again and Mikaela gets back in after shit and they drive back home. President's Plane! George Bush jokes! Tiny Transformers! I have NO IDEA what's going on! Eventually Bumblebee takes off. Sam follows the Car on a bike. And turns out. Bumblebee is a giant fucking transforming robot! Who would've fucking thought! Sam records a message. Then gets chased by Dogs. Bumblebee sorta saves him. and then he gets caught by the Polce. Soldiers fight Scorponok. (Must admit. Music..Fucking awesome). cut to CIA stuff. Shitty humor. Dance Dance Revolution!. Then more Cia stuff! (And yes I did for some reason Skip most of the Soldier Scene) Cut back to Sam Witwicky. Sam then goes on a girl's bike. Gets Stalked by Bumblebee (Vehicle Form). He runs into Mikaela at Burger King. Then continues Biking away! then a Police Car attacks him. Which Transforms into a robot. Smashes Sam into a Car Window (He survives) then runs away from the Decepticon. Runs into Mikaela then bumblebee saves them. Car chases! Ain't that exciting. Mikaela chanting "WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE" Property Damage! The Judge's Verdict? GUILTY! They end up at a power station where Bumblebee and the Car robot fight A tiny robot is deployed which sam kind of fights. Eventually Mikaela beats it till it loses it's head. Bumblebee gets a new car form. The Autobots arrive on Earth (AN HOUR INTO THIS FUCKING 2 AND A HALF HOUR LONG MOVIE) We also get to see what the Transformers look like without a form. (Very Generic) So eventually they all go to this meeting place and Sam and Mikaela are there. Optimus Prime introduces himself. and the autobots. They learned English through the Internet. And bumblebee can barely speak (He uses Radio Music to speak) They talk about Megatron.. They then talk about Sam's grandfather found Megatron years and years ago. (Accidentally) Shitty Plot you already know in all likeliness. Cut to soldier shit. Eventually Sam is taken by Sector 7 (This Cia Thing) Nothing remotely interesting happens UNTIL sAM IS SEMI RESCUED AND THEN TAKEN. (Bumblebee is captured) So Optimus establishes a Plan (and yes this is practically all that's happened in the last forty minutes from the Sector 7 shit) That he will put the Cube to his chest (Sacrificing himself). Oh and an Autobot pissed off the Sector 7 guy. I wish I was joking. Back to Sector Seven. Sam and Mikaela and a few other characters are taken to see Megatron who is in Cry Stasis since Sam's grandfather found him. Someboring shit happens. They're taken to the Giant All Spark Cube. They then get taken to a room with claw marks. Someone mentions Freddy Krueger for these claws but then another guy states it's 3 claws so it's wolverine. And then the turning ordinary items being turned into Decepticons is established (done by Radiation formed by the All Spark) I honestly like that idea. And then there's reports of Decepticon shit so they run to asafe-sih room. and guess what? The Main Soldier threatens the Sector Seven guys. So that Sam is now basically in charge. He rescues Bumblebee. Bumblebee shrinks the Cube.MEGATRON WAKES UP AND IS PLAYED BY HUGO WEAVING. smashes shit up and escapes. Eventually the guys in the room are going to be attacked by something. Someone picks up a shotgun. another a flamethrower. It's the Tiny Decepticon! And the Action Scenes begin. A decepticon transforms on the Road. So does Optimus and they fight. What happens? The Decepticon slices through a bus and tackles Optimus off the Highway. The Action Scenes are really badly shot in this movie..like seriously. Optimus ends up stabbing it hin the nck and decapitating it. That was a really piss poor fight scene..Back to the Room. The Air Force is responding to whatever the fuck they're doing. They're fighting the Tiny robot with guns. It shoots a Circular blade which comes right back to it cutting it's head in half killing it. WHAT A GREAT DECEPTICON DEATH! But seriously though. That was a really terrible Decepticon death. Cut to the start of a fight. They move shit.and take cover. That doesn't work well for Bumblebee and Iron Hide who are knocked back by the Explosion. Cut to slow motion Sam and Mikaela. The Soldiers are all fine. Bumblebee's legs are gone! Ironhide is fine. More decepticons come in. Fighting happens Jazz. The Really terrible street dancing robot comes in attacks a Decepticon which the rest come in and help him destroy (Jazz was thrown away) Jazz is injured by Megatron with a blast from his Cannon. Megatron then rips Jazz in half. YES!!!! This is the happiest moment in the entire movie! The Helicopter Decepticon from the start comes in. The Soldier Orders Sam to get to the top of a building and light a flare. So he runs to it and the Autobots defend him while he's running. Optimus Prime comes in. Megatron and Optimus Fight. (I say fight. Chat and Throw each other through buildings and to the ground) Megatron weakens Optimus who falls to the ground. More stuff happens things get chopped up. Sam ends up falling while running and the cube activates. several things into decepticons. Including a steering wheel and an XBOX (I KNEW MICROSOFT WERE EVIL BASTARDS!!!!) Sam gets to the building and is chased by Megatron throughout it. Mikaela has Bumblebee on a towtruck and takes a minute to cry. DRAMATIC MOMENTS then continues to drive declaring to Bee "I DRIVE. YOU SHOOT" Hopefully he shoots her..But anyway they drive. Crappy music plays. Shooting and Driving occurs. The Helicopter bot is (Apparently) killed. Sam arrives at the Roof. But Megatron arrives there. The helicopters summoned by the Flare are (dramatically) shot down. Optimus starts coming for Sam. Megatron now at the roof of the Building. Sam hides behind a Pillar. Threatens him asks for the All Spark. He destroys the Pillar and the part of the Roof sam was on. Optimus catches him. SAM REALLY SHOULD'VE DIED FROM THAT) Megatron grabs Optimus and they both fall down. Sam is still in optimus's hand (Somehow not dead) Optimus asks him to sacrifice Optimus with the All Spark incase he fails to kill Megatron.. Fighting happens. Let's just sum this part up fast. Sector Seven is ordered to be Terminated. Eventually both Megatron and Optimus Prime both fall down after the fight. THe Helicopter robot is again apparently killed. Optimus orders him to put the Cube in Optimus Primes chest. But instead he does it to megatron. Killing Megatron. They get all sad and shit over what happened and Optimus says that he owes Sam his life and the Autobots are in his debt. Optimus makes a speech. Bumblebee can speak better now..And he's going to stay with Sam. The Remains of the Dead Decepticons/Autobots are disposed of in the ocean. The Soldier guy reunites with his wife and child. Mikaela and Sam make out on top of a car. Optimus makes a speech and then directs the message to all Autobots still out there. (Setting up the More Autobots in the sequels). FINALLY MOVE FUCKING OVER. DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY. The Verdict Transformers (2007) is a downright boring. Terrible movie. It's writing is atrocious and it's main highlights the Very Underrused Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime. I definitely don't recommend it. Next will be Transformers: Revenge of the Bay (Fallen) I GIVE TRANSFORMERS (2007) A 3 OUT OF 10 Category:Blog posts